Facing Fear

I love Halloween. No, not because of all the candy, though I do indulge in that. And not because of the costumes, even though the kids look really cute. I love Halloween because all my favorite scary movies are on TV. “The Shining”, “Friday the 13^th”, “The Exorcist”…you name it, I watch it. Never mind that I can’t sleep afterwards, I just love to be frightened and have ever since I was a little kid. Of course, I know those movies aren’t real, so after Halloween I forget about them. But facing fear in my daily life is something I struggle with all the time, and it’s not so easy to get over.

Lately, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with a weird feeling in my stomach. It’s my old friend fear. Suddenly I’m gripped with the fear of moving, starting over, finding a new job, and the ultimate fear that I may be making a big mistake. But when I calm down long enough to analyze what I’m really scared of, I realize it’s all in my mind. I’m not in any real danger. I’m simply facing the fear of uncertainty, which for a control freak like me, can be pretty darn scary.

The irony is that the only time I faced real danger, I didn’t panic. It was Thanksgiving morning and I was flying to Washington, DC to be with my family when our plane hit a bad storm. As we were ascending up into the clouds, the sky suddenly turned an eerie purple. Then the plane started to shake violently. Suddenly the plane seemed to drop out from under us and go into steep dive. People started screaming, and the woman next to me threw up. I looked out the window and thought, “This is it. This is how it all ends.” And yet, strangely enough, I became very calm. It was the only time in my life so far that I have faced the fear of death. Not to mention the first Thanksgiving that I truly felt thankful.

In yoga, we learn to face our fears on many levels --- physically, mentally and emotionally. When we face a challenging new pose or have to sit in meditation for a long time, it challenges our zone of safety and comfort. I used to have a fear of headstands. The thought of turning myself upside down was terrifying. But when I actually did it, and fell over a couple times, I realized there was nothing to be afraid of. Now I love doing headstands and enjoy seeing the world from a different perspective.

There is a healthy level of fear we all need. Remember the tiger in the bathroom scene in “The Hangover”? Well, that’s the good fear we want for basic survival. But most of the time, our fears aren’t necessary, yet we allow them to rule our lives. As a result, fear can trap us, make us doubt ourselves, and hold us back from experiencing new things in life. After all, most of our fears are about the future, which we can’t really control and hasn’t even arrived, yet. We fear everything from death to aging to poverty to losing our job or someone we love.

The truth is that we can’t avoid uncertainty in life. That’s part of the adventure and what makes us stronger. But we can calm the shakiness of fear by staying present and relating to life directly. Maybe that’s why I felt so calm on that plane. There was nowhere to go. Amidst all the chaos, it was just fear and I together in that present moment. And when I faced it, I wasn’t so scared anymore.

So as we celebrate Halloween tonight, think about what scares you. Even write it down. Notice how you feel when you think about it. How do you react when you feel fear? And what do you do to avoid it?  I have experienced panic attacks several times in my life. Seeing someone in severe pain usually triggers it. Instead of facing my own fear of pain, I try to escape. And if I can’t escape, I hyperventilate to the point of literally passing out. How’s that for avoidance?

Getting to know our fears, and not running away from them, is the first step to awakening and realizing our full potential.  It’s not easy, but what’s the alternative? Living your life paralyzed by fear and regret? Next time you face fear, try these simple tips to help you push through it and become more fearless:

Stay Present and Open

Don’t run. Don’t hide. Turn and face fear head on. Next time you feel anxious about something, ask yourself, “What is this?” Stay present with what you are feeling and be open and receptive to what your inner voice is telling you. Ask yourself, “Am I in any immediate danger?” “What is the worst thing that could happen?” When you take time to really embrace your fears, you realize, most times, that you fears aren’t real. Then you can put them in proper perspective and get on with your life.

Know You’re Not Alone

Whenever I feel fear, I remember that I’m not alone. There are other people out there who feel the same way I do. That’s why it helps to share how you feel with someone. By reaching out to others, you realize that you are not alone and your fears aren’t unique. Realizing our interconnectedness gives us courage to face our fears, knowing if others can push past them, so can we.

Just Breathe

It’s the most simple, yet powerful weapon against fear. Whenever I feel upset or anxious, I stop everything, lie down and place one hand on my belly and another hand on my heart. And then I just breathe. It returns me to the present moment and reminds me I am still here and still breathing. Slowly, my mind calms down, my body relaxes, and my fear subsides.

Ego vs. True Self

I have a huge ego. Seriously, I do. And it never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes it humors me; other times, it horrifies me. Once when my colleague challenged my decision-making for the umpteenth time, my ego erupted. “Let me tell you something,” I yelled, “You don’t stand in front of me. You don’t even stand next to me. You stand behind me.” As I stared him down, I couldn’t help but notice the hurt in his eyes. Whoa, I thought, did I really just say that?!? I felt terrible. If someone ever said that to me, I would be devastated and probably quit on the spot. So why did I lash out at him like that? It’s simple. My ego was threatened. And when that happens, not only do I hurt others, but also myself.  Because I know that’s not me, that’s not my true Self.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I practice yoga and meditation every day. I try to be thoughtful and kind towards others. But still, I struggle with my ego, which loves to assert itself.  In yoga, the ultimate goal is liberation. But how can we liberate ourselves when we continue to cling to our ego? In the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, we learn that the way to liberation is by stilling the mind and body through the Eight Limbs of Yoga. This path reveals our true Self, or “atman”, which is peace and loving-kindness. But when we allow our ego, or false identity to rule, we forget our true nature and suffer.

So is the point of yoga, or any spiritual practice, to lose our ego? I’m not sure that’s possible. But as I have gone deeper in my own practice, I notice that I’m much more mindful of my ego and how it operates. And that mindfulness helps me remember my true nature. So what is the difference between the ego and our true Self?  Well, try this little exercise…describe who you are. If you use words like mother, wife, vice-president, artist, writer, friend, that’s your ego talking. But if you write down words like honest, kind, loving, thoughtful, patient, open and engaging, you’re getting closer to understanding your real nature.

Our society places a lot of value on ego. We encourage competition, ambition and greed. Our titles, money, power and possessions all are defined by our ego. But the reality is, if you need something on the outside to make you happy and whole, you are bound to suffer. That’s because those things don’t last, and the ego will keep searching for something to satisfy it. Life becomes an endless loop of disappointment.

When I left my corporate job in television, my ego was lost. Who was I without a title, salary and staff to boss around?  I remember how good it felt when I got a promotion. I was somebody important. Of course, I can laugh at myself now because I know that was all just an illusion. My ego doesn’t define me.  Everything the ego relies on to feel “important” will one day be gone.  So ask yourself, if tomorrow, you lost everything you identify with, would you still know who you are?

I have struggled with this question for a long time. Who am I? This is the ultimate question we all try to answer. Through the practice of yoga and meditation, I realize that my true Self doesn’t change. The circumstances of my life will, but my true nature remains the same. We say in yoga “I AM”, which means we are eternal, everlasting peace. It’s only when I allow my ego to take over do I suffer. When I feel threatened, insecure or inadequate I have no peace of mind. I shift into defensive mode --- fortress goes up, armor goes on, and I charge into battle. The ego loves a good conflict. That’s how it survives, by separating itself from others.

That’s exactly what I did that day with my colleague. When he threatened my ego, I responded by labeling him the “enemy” and bashing him over the head with my cruel remarks. But if I had acted from my true Self, I would have calmly sat down with him and listened. He just wanted to be heard. Don’t we all? Even if I stuck to my decision in the end, I would have shown him kindness and respect… and kept my peace of mind.

So how can we connect more to our true Self, instead of our ego? Here our a few simple tips I have learned in my practice:

Have Good Intentions

Are you acting out of self-interest or the interest of others?  Ego is selfish; our true Self is selfless. Consider how your actions will impact others before acting on them. Will they benefit only you or will they benefit others, as well? When you act with good intentions, you stay true to your real nature and maintain your peace and happiness.

Take Five Breaths

The next time you feel a confrontation coming on with another person, take five. Seriously, five breaths. I used to give myself time-outs by going to another room, shutting the door, and just breathing. Something this simple is very powerful. It helps calm you down and reconnect to your true Self.

Observe the Mind

Next time you meditate, or just walk down the street, observe your thoughts. Notice how all your thoughts are about yourself? I could develop an entire reality series with the drama that goes on in my head…Is she mad at me? He doesn’t like me…I will never get another job…How will I survive? We are always thinking about ourselves, even when we think we’re not. That’s the ego. The more familiar you get with it, the less you will allow it to rule your life.

Tune in to Silence and Solitude

The best way to tune-in to your true Self is to spend time in silence and solitude. Meditate, contemplate, stare out the window, or go for a walk in nature. Consider it a mini-escape. Let go of the need to think, plan or do anything. By cultivating an inner calm, you will be able to tune into your inner voice.  And when you listen really closely, you will hear your Self, not your ego.

  

Have A Sense of Humor

Your ego takes itself very seriously. Your True Self does not. So lighten up, make fun of yourself sometimes, and don’t take all that drama in your head so seriously. When you realize your true Self, nothing can disturb your peace and equanimity because you understand what is real and what is not.

Compassion Starts With Yourself

“Remember, listen to your body and don’t push yourself past your limits,” I say to my students before every yoga class. Boy, am I a hypocrite.  I don’t always practice what I preach, and I have endured two yoga-related injuries to prove it. The truth is, I push myself past my limits all the time --- in yoga class, at work, and in life in general. So how can I teach my students to be more compassionate when I don’t practice it myself?

“Ahimsa”, or nonviolence, is one of the core principles of yoga philosophy. It means not just practicing nonviolence towards others, but most importantly, practicing it toward yourself. This is not an easy practice, especially for women.

We are natural nurturers, but too often, we neglect nurturing ourselves.  I hear stories from women all the time about how tired they are and how stressed out they feel. They’re giving so much of themselves to their jobs, their families and friends that their own needs come last.  Usually when this happens, we end up lashing out in frustration or anger.  When I’m really stressed and tired, I'm horrified by how badly I can treat others --- whether it’s the stranger in line at Whole Foods who I’m muttering at to hurry up or my mother who I yell at when she tells me that I’m doing too much. Sound familiar? We all have our moments.

Whenever we treat others badly, it’s a sign we’re treating ourselves badly. It’s the “mirror effect.” If you're critical and impatient with yourself, you will be critical and impatient with others. But if you are light-hearted and forgiving of yourself, others will feel your joy and want to be around you.

In the end, our inner character determines our ability to be at peace with ourselves and with the rest of the world.  So how can we practice more loving kindness towards others and ourselves? Here are five simple steps to bring more peace and compassion into your life:

Find Balance

Stop trying to commit to everything all at once. Prioritize what matters to you most, whether it’s spending time with your children, going to the gym or finishing an important project. Our society values multitasking, but in the end, doing too-many things not only depletes our energy, but also kills our brain cells. So learn to slow down, focus and appreciate doing one thing at a time.

Tune In

Next time you are walking down the street, put the Blackberry away and take a look around you. Notice the trees, the color of the sky.  Take a few deep breaths. Engage in the present moment. Better yet, start your day with five minutes of meditation and just observe your breath. By stealing these little moments each day, you learn to reconnect with yourself and enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

Pamper Yourself

Each day, do something to nurture yourself --- buy flowers, take time for a walk, enjoy a cup of coffee or tea while looking out the window, read one of your favorite books, schedule a massage, go to yoga class. It doesn’t have to be a big deal or take a lot of time. Just acknowledge yourself and that you matter.

Connect with Others

Once a day, smile at a stranger. Trust me, it works. I have smiled at more people on the subway in NYC, and when they return my smile, it lifts my day. So connect with someone you don’t know, whether it’s giving money or food to someone who is a homeless, holding the door open for the person behind you, or helping a mother carry her baby stroller down the stairs. When we take time to reach out to others, we see ourselves in them and realize we are all truly connected.

  

Express Gratitude

Start a gratitude journal and write down each week what you appreciate about yourself and your life. Be generous and don’t hold back. We are so conditioned to listen to that critical voice inside our head, but there is another voice, a much deeper one that tells us we are fine just the way we are. By journaling, you take the time to honor your inner voice and let it replace the negative one.

How a Yogi Learned To Let Go...And Get a Life

I sat on the bench outside Integral Yoga Institute in New York City yelling into my cell phone at my boss, “Forget it, I’m done. I can’t take this shit anymore. I quit!” 

People coming out of the institute stared at me in horror. An ashram is not exactly the place to be screaming and having a nervous breakdown. Just then, my friend Jen, a fellow yoga teacher, sat down next to me and put her arm around me.  I burst into tears.

I had just quit my third job in television in a year and a half.  I hated developing reality tv and just couldn’t take it anymore.  After 18 years, I was tired of the TV business and sick of living in NYC. I was exhausted…exhausted by the noise, the pace, the pollution and all the stress of the city. No matter how hard I tried to quiet my mind with yoga and meditation, I felt more agitated than ever.   What was wrong with me?

Making matters worse, I had just injured my hip in yoga class and was struggling to get through my advanced teacher-training program.  I could barely come into downward facing dog without suddenly feeling a shooting pain through the back of my left hip. I knew I wouldn’t make it through.

As all my frustrations exploded that September afternoon, I heard a little voice in my head repeat just two words…let go, LET GO! Let go of everything…everything I was struggling against, everything I was clinging to…everything I thought I knew.  In yoga, we call this vairagya, or non-attachment. This practice isn’t easy, but it was enough to change my life.

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Ever since I was a little girl, I had always dreamed of living in New York City.  Literally, I dreamed of it almost every night…what it would be like, what I would do, what I would wear. I had it all figured out. I wanted all the glamour and excitement of the Big Apple, and I would stop at nothing to get it.

That dream came true when I was 25 years old and moved to NYC with lots of hopes, but no job.  I lived in a dingy walk-up with some college friends and lived off my meager savings. Each morning, I got up and was out the door by 9am, beating the pavement looking for work.  I had gotten my masters in journalism and was determined to work in TV.

My persistence paid off within a few months and I got a job at ABC News working on a documentary project. I felt like I had won the lottery. I loved my job --- the work was both fascinating and fun.  I literally poured myself into my career for the next 12 years at the network. Everything took a back seat --- boyfriends, family, vacations. I became a workaholic, which seemed quite normal to me at the time. Everybody in New York City was one. We all worked late at night and on weekends. Only my mother seemed to have a problem with it. She said to me one day, “Caroline, you need to get a life.”

Me? I have a life! It’s a big, important life working for a big, important network. But as much as I tried to deny it to myself, I could feel the burnout creeping in.

Then one day at work, one of my colleagues suggested we try a yoga class at the Sivananda Center. I don’t know, I told her, the last time I tried yoga, I didn’t like it and almost got stuck in a twisted pose. Oh, come on, she said, it will help us relax, and they’re serving a free lunch. I only went for the free lunch. The minute the class began, I wanted to leave. What are they chanting? Why are they all dressed in orange? Is this some kind of cult? Forget it, I’m a not standing on my head. My mind was racing, and I panicked. Need to get out of here, I thought. But I was too embarrassed to leave, so I did my best to get through it. The delicious Indian lunch afterwards made the whole ordeal worth it.

I had no intention of returning to that strange place ever again, but I did buy one of their audiotapes and started practicing yoga at home. I especially enjoyed savasana, or deep relaxation, when I could completely let go. Soon I was practicing yoga every morning. As my mind and body began to relax, I started to think about my life more deeply and realized that I didn’t want to be working so hard.  Finally, after a few years of soul searching, I quit ABC. It was a terrifying moment to leave the place I had worked for 12 years, but I knew it was necessary.  My mom was right --- I needed  “to get a life”.

Within a few months, I was lucky enough to land a new job with NBC News, working in development for their new division that produced cable documentaries. This job felt right up my alley --- I could continue producing documentaries, work regular hours, not travel so much, and pursue other interests.  

But what exactly were my “other” interests? I was 37 years old and had no hobbies. So during one of my first real vacations in years, I wrote in my journal what I wanted to do --- take yoga classes and learn to paint. I had practiced yoga alone every day in my tiny apartment for eight years, but I was hungry to learn more and be with other yogis. But art lessons? Who was I kidding…I could barely draw a stick figure.  But something inside me stirred, and I thought, go for it! Just have fun and explore.

So that fall, I walked into my first yoga class at Jivamukti yoga school. It was pretty damn intimidating. People next to me were doing handstands and wrapping their leg over their head. I can’t do that!?! I panicked again. I don’t belong here. As I turned to make my quick escape, the teacher shut the door. Damn, now what? I sat on my mat and started to sweat. What if I can’t do this? What if I make a fool of myself? I tried to relax. Oh no, not chanting again! I refused to sing along and sat there waiting for it to end. Then, the teacher started to talk. “Don’t let fear hold you back,” she said. “Let it go.”  Suddenly, my body softened, and I thought, good point, this is just yoga, relax and have fun. That first class was a like nothing I had ever experienced before --- it was physically, mentally and emotionally demanding, yet exhilarating all at the same time.  I was hooked.

I applied that same fearless attitude toward my painting classes…in three months, I gave my parents my first painting for Christmas --- a sailboat with the coast of Maine in the background. My mom was shocked, but so proud. It was better than a stick figure.

Suddenly, I felt like I had a life again…I was working during the week and painting and going to yoga classes on weekends. I thought I finally had found the perfect life…or so I thought.  About a year into my new job, things started to get more stressful. We were all under a lot of pressure to sell shows to cable, but the documentaries we had been producing weren’t selling anymore. There was a new game in town, and it was called reality. In fact, there was nothing real about reality TV. It was a cheesy mix of horrible characters, bad story telling and editorial manipulation. I wanted no part of it. I’ll stick with the Tom Brokaw documentaries, thank you very much. But I had now risen up to become a manager, so I had to get with the program and lead my team to success. Suddenly, I found myself looking for desperate women, dangerous jobs, and cupcake masters. As I sat in a three-hour meeting one afternoon brainstorming new midget shows and eating pizza, it hit me, “What the heck are you doing?!?” 

I started to feel like I had a split personality --- there was the Caroline who believed in yoga, spirituality and healing; and then there was the Caroline who was selling toxic tv shows that made fun of people and exploited them. So who was I? I knew…but I kept on pretending.

Around that time, I had decided to begin a teacher training program at Integral Yoga Institute. My classes at Jivamukti had blown my mind wide open to what yoga was really all about. Then, I took a class at Integral and realized what yoga could really DO. It was a therapeutic practice for all kinds of people --- young, old, healthy, sick. Integral had classes for people living with HIV, military veterans with PTSD, people with arthritis. I knew then that my purpose in life was to bring this healing practice to as many people as I could.

My yearlong training was transformative. For someone who hated chanting, I now chanted every morning before meditation. My practice and the training anchored me in a sea of turbulence at work. The deeper my practice, the more shallow my work seemed. I couldn’t continue to develop reality shows and be true to myself. So after my contract with NBC was finished, I surprised everyone and quit. My boss looked at me on my last day and asked, “Are you scared?” “Nope,” I replied.  I lied.

The next year and a half as I embraced my new life as a yoga teacher, I floundered on the work front. I tried to get back to documentaries, but every time a job seemed promising, the money fell through and the opportunity floated away. Why is this happening to me? This isn’t fair --- my dream job keeps appearing, only to be yanked away. With money very tight, I soon gravitated back to what I knew --- developing reality  shows. I started consulting with small production companies helping them develop cable series about rednecks and hillbillies.  I know, I know, I told myself, this sucks, but you need the money, and hey, it’s just a job.

Who was I kidding? Soon I was disenchanted and disgusted all over again. “I need to get out of TV!” was a constant theme in my life. So why was I still stuck here? In meditation one morning the answer dawned on me --- I was still trying to fulfill that childhood dream of living in the Big Apple. Mind you, it wasn’t so glamorous or exciting anymore. I could barely afford it, and I had left a string of bad jobs and boyfriends in my wake. But damn it, I was staying put and making this work. I was also teaching now at Integral, which I loved and had so many new friends. How could I give that up? So I trudged along, going to work every day in a coma, hoping life would change. It certainly did, but not for the better.

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Which brings me back to my breakdown on the bench that day.  I finally accepted the fact that to move forward, I had to let go.  So I decided to let go of it ALL --- my job, my teaching, my friends, and finally New York City.  That night, I slept well for the first time in a long time. The next morning my hip felt a little better.  

I decided to move back to Washington, DC by the end of the year. I wanted to return to my roots in journalism and live closer to my family.  I even started to explore where to teach yoga and decided to focus on therapeutic and prenatal yoga, instead of teaching advanced classes.

Am I scared? Sure. Who knows what will happen next, but I have learned that on the other side of uncertainty is opportunity.  And the only way to get there is to let go.

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