I’ve been feeling very anxious lately. It’s not the job search; it’s the gift search. Christmas does this to me every year. I agonize over what to give for presents and how much to spend. As I pour over hundreds of catalogs trying to find the right gift, my heart starts pounding and mind starts racing. What if they don’t like this present? Can I really afford to spend this much? Why is it so difficult to find the right gift? Ugh, I hate the holidays. Why does it create so much stress each year? Shouldn’t being generous feel more joyful?
In Buddhism, generosity is one of the 10 paramitas, or enlightened qualities to cultivate. In fact, it’s a virtue extolled in almost every spiritual and religious tradition. So why is it such a rare quality to find in others and so hard to practice oneself?
For me, it’s all about expectations --- the expectation of giving AND receiving. If I give to someone, I’m disappointed if I don’t get something in return. I know, it sounds selfish, but it’s true. It could be anything, from a Christmas present to a compliment. And that’s the whole problem. Real generosity is about giving without expecting anything in return. Not even a thank-you. The joy comes simply from giving.
That’s really hard…at least for me. So this holiday season I have decided to practice generosity, not just on Christmas day, but every day. Just one act, that’s it. It could be giving somebody a smile, holding the door open for the person behind me, teaching a free yoga class, or giving up the parking space I have been waiting patiently for to another person --- that last one was really hard…no joy there. But I’m trying. Every day I look for ways…small and large… to give. It’s not easy, but I have to admit, when I let go of my expectations, giving can be easy and quite joyful.
It seems funny to me that we traditionally think about generosity during this time of year. Not to mention “generosity” that involves maxing out our credit cards. What if we thought about practicing generosity every day? Not just when it comes to our families, but when it comes to total strangers, and even people we don’t like. Try it and notice how it makes you feel.
In one sense, generosity is a natural human instinct --- we see someone in need, and we want to help him or her. But a lot of times, our egos stand in the way --- we fear losing too much and being vulnerable. Just the other day, I reached into my wallet to give a few bucks to a homeless man. Instead, I pulled out a $20. Damn it, I thought. I handed the man the money as my heart sank. His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. I should have felt good; instead, the whole way home I chastised myself for giving away so much. I need that money, I thought. Of course, I realized later how silly I was. My heart lightened. I didn’t really need that money, but my ego thought I did.
That’s why practicing generosity is so enlightening --- it teaches you more about yourself --- what you cling to, what you don’t, and how you can expand the limits of your compassion. Most importantly, it re-introduces you to your true self, which is infinitely open, loving and kind.
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