The spiritual teacher Ram Dass once said that if you think you’re enlightened, visit your family. That always makes me laugh --- he is so right! I don’t think I’m alone when I say that nothing makes me lose my peace of mind faster than my family.
This Thanksgiving, I’m testing my spiritual limits. I recently moved back home after almost 20 years of independence to live with my parents. It may only be temporary, but it’s giving me a lot of time to practice patience and gratitude.
When I was living my fabulous, single girl life in NYC, I used to have nightmares at night about living back home, and I would wake up in a cold sweat. It scared the daylights out of me. Funny how life can turn out…here I am, at 42, living my worst fear. And yet, you know what? It isn’t so scary. I haven’t lost my independence, or my mind, for that matter. In fact, I’m quite enjoying it.
That’s not to say it's been an easy transition. I can’t wait to get my own apartment again. But I realize that my fear of returning home was only in my mind, not in my heart. Sure, it drives me crazy that my mom still worries incessantly about me. Sure, I get annoyed when she tells me my clothes don’t look right. Of course, I get pissed off when my dad reminds me to wash my dishes. I find myself snapping at least once a day. But something I didn’t expect also happened.
My first night home, my mom urgently called me to look at something outside. Oh God, I thought, now what? Not another strange person lurking outside that she thinks is a burglar. But when I found her by her bedroom window, she pointed up at the sky. “Isn’t that beautiful?” she asked. As I stared up at this magnificent orange glow, I realized that I hadn’t seen the moon in a long time. When you live in NYC, you don’t tend to gaze at the sky. At that very moment, I felt so grateful to be home.
I don’t know how long I will be with my parents --- or how long they will be with me --- but I know this moment is special. I enjoy the little things each day, like getting up early and squeezing them fresh orange juice, driving my mom around on errands, and kissing them goodnight at the end of the day.
The truth is that we never know how long we will have our families. We will someday lose them. And yet we never fully appreciate them. We’re too caught up in all the drama. And we’ve all got stories.
Recently, I exchanged emails with one of my good friends. She told me she was jealous of me. I thought she meant jealous that I had escaped the hustle and bustle of the big city. But what she meant was that she was jealous of me having both my parents. She had lost both of hers a few years ago. My heart softened and tears came to my eyes. I thought of all my friends who have lost a parent, or both. In a way, I feel now that I honor my friends by spending time with my parents.
So as I celebrate Thanksgiving this year, I feel more grateful than ever for my family. No matter how difficult, contentious, or painful life with family can be, it’s all we really have. Family is always a part of us, of who we really are. Maybe by learning to love our families, warts and all, we will learn to love ourselves.
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